Fall TV Blog

Dancing with the Stars kicked off last night with a two-hour extravaganza that featured 13 contestants, some entertaining dances (Warren Sapp), some train wrecks (comedian Jeffrey Ross) and something that DWTS fans have never laid eyes on before–a loose canon in the form of Cloris Leachman. Yes, DWTS‘ season seven premiere had a little something for everyone to talk about.

Let’s start with the oldest contestant in the competition, Cloris Leachman. The 82 year old had us at osteoporosis. During her video intro, her pro partner Corky “Who’s Your Daddy” Ballas asks her, “Is there anything physical that I should know about?” To which Leachman replied, “Should I start with my bunion, or high blood pressure or my osteoporosis or the bad knee?”

Then Ms. Leachman hit the dancefloor to perform the foxtrot. The Oscar winner (9-time Emmy and Golden Globe winner) justly got a standing ovation, but what came next was the real show. Ms. Leachman used her best acting skills to charm the judges. Her leggy display for Bruno Tonioli had him affectionately nickname her “Battleship Geriatrica.” And the usually buttoned-up Len Goodman playfully told her, “I always wanted to a toy boy…this could be my big chance!”, after Leachman gave the judge an eyeful of cleavage. Call it one helluva an acting performance, because Leachman let loose a string of unprintable language backstage when she received the judges’ scores. It went something like this: “Six! That’s horsesh–!” Five! Bastard! Five! Bleep!” (Watch the clip.) If America knows what good for Dancing, they’ll bring back Leachman simply to see what she’ll do next–besides dance, that is.

So from crazy, we move on to the very good. Brooke Burke (and pro Derek Hough) had both Inaba and Goodman gawking at her amazing body (this woman has had four children!), not to mention some very hot cha cha cha moves on the dancefloor. On top of that, everyone was raving about her “hyper-extended legs”–supposedly the must-have accessory if you’re even thinking about hitting the ballroom dancefloor. The pair topped the leader board with 23 out of 30.

Right behind them were Toni Braxton and her partner Alec Mazo and Lance Bass and his partner Lacey Schwimmer. Now a word about team LL. With Bass being a member of ‘N Sync and Schwimmer, an alum of So You Think You Can Dance, they are definitely one of the odds-on favorites to go deep in the competition. But we have to agree with old, stodgy Len: their rock ‘n’ roll cha cha cha just seemed so out of place in the ballroom, like it belonged on another reality dance competition, um say, SYTYCD.

And speaking of belonging on another reality show, we come to comedian Jeffrey Ross, who provided plenty of comic fodder but no discernible dance skills. We feel for him (he injured his eye during rehearsals and was forced to wear an unfortunate eye patch at the top of the show) and his partner, the gorgeous Edyta Sliwinska, who seemed to have a permanent look of defeat and despair frozen on her face as she spun, twirled and hyper-extended her gams to “Play That Funky Music,” while Ross jiggled and wiggled, then just played dead on the dancefloor. He tried to woo the judges, even raising his leg for Bruno’s inspection à la Cloris Leachman, but with a 12 out of 30 (ouch!), Ross is likely to be the first contestant to be leaving the ballroom tomorrow. We wouldn’t be surprised if we see him at his next standup show wearing a T-shirt that reads: “I went on Dancing with the Stars and all I got was this lousy scratched cornea.”

Memorable lines of the night:
• Jeffrey Ross: “The doctor said not to dance. I was born to dance. I’ll go blind dancing if I have to. My one thing is I can only see out of one eye, I can only see one half of Kim Kardashian’s booty.”
• Host Tom Bergeron, after Cloris Leachman goes insane backstage: “And people wonder why I love live television.” Do people wonder why this guy got robbed at Sunday’s Emmys?

Here’s how the contestants stacked up after Monday’s dance:
• Cody Linley & Julianne Hough: 18 our of 30 for their cha cha
• Rocco DiSpirito & Karina Smirnoff: 14 out of 30 for their foxtrot
• Toni Braxton & Alec Mazo: 22 out of 30 for their cha cha cha
• Maurice Green & Cheryl Burke:18 out of 30 for their foxtrot
• Brooke Burke & Derek Hough: 23 out of 30 for their cha cha cha
• Ted McGinley & Inna Brayer: 18 out of 30 for their foxtrot
• Lance Bass & Lacey Schwimmer: 22 out of 30 for their cha cha cha
• Cloris Leachman & Corky Ballas: 16 out of 30 for their foxtrot
• Jeffrey Ross & Edyta Sliwinska: 12 out of 30 for their cha cha cha
• Kim Kardashian & Mark Ballas: 19 out of 30 for their foxtrot
•  Susan Lucci & Tony Dovolani: 15 out of 30 for their cha cha cha cha
• Misty May-Treanor & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 21 out of 30 for their foxtrot
• Warren Sapp & Kym Johnson: 21 out of 30 for their cha cha cha

Tell us: Who are you rooting for? What were your favorite moments of the night? And who do you think will be the first Dancing casualty?

KELSEY McNEAL/ABC