It was the episode Hills fans have been waiting for since news of Spiedi’s south-of-the-border betrothal broke a few weeks ago. The never-dull couple went to Cabo, wound up a lot drunk and a little (and as it turns out not legally) married. Meanwhile, Whitney’s big news got finalized. She packed up her life in L.A. and headed for The City.
Arriba Mexico!: Speidi jetted off to Mexico. But Heidi wanted to know why a trip now? “I must say, Mr. Pratt, this is definitely one of your best surprises. It’s nice to get out of town and everything but why now?”
“Our relationship is always best when it is just you and me,” he explained sweetly. “It’s always other people trying to tear us apart whether it’s your former best friends or your sister or your mom or my sister. When it’s not that, it’s work. I feel like I was never going to see you.” Then he threw in some foreshadowing. “I have a feeling this will be the most memorable vacation of your life.”
Later Heidi, with her Playmate hair, teeny weeny bikini (the trip couldn’t have been that much of a surprise considering that bathing suit would immediately betray the wearer’s smallest amount of hair removal laziness) and stripper heels (paired with her cross necklace, no less), delivered champagne to a tanning Spencer and then took a seat between his legs. He looked at her like he might eat her and we confess we felt a little dirty. She commented on how romantic the moment was. Yeah, muy romantico considering the rave music wafting up from below.
Punch-Drunk Love: While throwing back some tequila, Heidi busted out a few white-girl moves, spoke-sang the chorus and threw out Spanish you pick up by watching the Looney Tunes. Even Spencer looked at her with a little shame. “Are you even going to remember this conversation tomorrow? I know how you are after Patron,” he said. Then he went for the kill. “What if we were to just go get married and not tell anybody? Then it’s just us.”
She was drunk enough to confuse her faux accents, but not drunk enough to buy what he was selling. “You’re loco en la cabeza. I think you’ve had one too many Patron shots,” she said. He tried again. “I’m serious.” She sobered up instantaneously. “Well, me too.”
So he did what any desperate man dating Heidi, the sloppy drunk, would do and ordered two more shots of the top-shelf stuff. “You know what Patron does to me. It gets me crazy.”
After she downed another shot, he proposed. “I want to go marry you. We don’t have to tell anyone. That’s the whole point. It’s a secret Mexico wedding. It’s for us. We’ve been through so much and I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not going anywhere. We’re never going to get married with your family. Your mom will never approve. No drama, no stress.”
“Are you serious? It would be so crazy?” she worried.
“Hasn’t our relationship been that, pretty much. When I’m with you, you make me want to be nicer and that’s why I’m madly obsessed with you. It’s pretty apparent by the fact that I haven’t left your side in nearly two and a half years and I pretty much keep you from the whole world. You’re my angel.” His pleas finally wore her down and the slobbery making out ensued. “I’ll show you what a wife does,” she teased. Cue Montezuma’s revenge as viewers at home make a break for the bathroom.
What, No Cameras?: We felt a little gypped. There was no footage of the actual ceremony, which seemed highly suspect for a couple who don’t step out of their apartment without alerting the paparazzi. Guess he was serious about it being “just us, for us.” Or maybe they held that back to make some extra coin. Or maybe it’s all a hoax though she was clinging to a white dress as evidence.
Instead, the show fast-forwarded to the morning after when the lovebirds referred to each other as Mr and Mrs. Pratt. “I love saying that. You’re the most amazing wife ever,” he cooed before admitting he wanted to tie the knot all along but wasn’t sure he could get her to agree. “I think the Patron helped a little bit.”
“A lot bit,” she joked and then looked a little regretful. “I am so hung over. I can’t believe we did this.”
Spencer seemed genuinely excited and he wanted to watch the tape and talk details. “I don’t think I’ve ever been that nervous in my life. “
She chimed in about the dress, the “Zsa-Zsa rock,” the bouquet and the chapel. “It was so romantic and on a whim.” And then reality brought her feet back down to the ground. “My mom is going to freak. I don’t know what to tell her. She’s gonna kill me.”
Back at the Ranch: The She-Pratt stopped by Casa Audrina and found Justin-Bobby there, either looking through the classifieds or doing a crossword puzzle.
Stephanie got down to the real reason she dropped in – she was looking for Speidi after Heidi hadn’t showed up for a planned shopping excursion. “Even my mom doesn’t know where they are. My mom and I have gone through the list of places. It’s like really uncool if they did go somewhere and they had to take a plane ride. Our rule in our family is you call before you take off and right when you land.”
“You should put up some signs,” Justin-Bobby quipped. (This was, perhaps, his best line ever. Even better was the fact that she looked like she was considering that as a feasible option.)
The Big Apple Beckons: The fashionable chick whose name we can’t pronounce called Whitney to give her the good news about the job with Diane Von Furstenberg while she was working with Lauren at her current job. She was practically hyper-ventilating and doing jazz hands but LC still felt the need to ask her if she was gonna take it. “I just have to go for it,” Whitney said.
“Dude, Diane Von Furstenberg! You’ll have the perfect job and the perfect boyfriend. You’re gonna leave behind everything and have the perfect life,” Lauren enthused. But Whitney, who has always seemed like the most level-headed of the bunch, tried to convince herself that her move had nothing to do with The Serenader. “I can’t think about it like that. I can’t get my hopes up. I’m going there for the job.”
They planned a quickie celebration/going away party at Palihouse Holloway and many of the show regulars showed to wish her bon voyage including Brody and one of his bromantic partners. Audrina, Lo and LC huddled together waiting for their next turn with the guest of honor. “She’s going to be a career girl,” Lo added.
Audrina waited for an empty beat in the conversation and then tried to titillate them with news of the Spiedi’s disappearing act. But they didn’t bite and the clinking of glasses, a heartfelt toast and Whit’s mom’s tears moved them away from the subject entirely.
LC and Whit met up for another goodbye, this time at Lemonade and reminisced about their “matchy-matchy” early days at Teen Vogue. “I feel like we’ve grown up with each other,” Whit said which caused LC to tear up. “We got so lucky to have found each other.” And with that Whit made her Hills farewell. –Carrie Bell
Tell us: Why do you think there was no footage of the Speidi nuptials? Do you think Spencer took advantage of Heidi’s intoxication or did she appear to know what she was doing?
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