Tuesday’s finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey began as another seemingly mundane dip into Franklin Lakes, with the requisite bubbie blather — “I turn around for one minute and all of a sudden, she’s got t—ts,” Dina said of developing daughter Lexi, to which the tween replied: “Mine are real” — soon exploded with epic plot twists, shocking outbursts and shifting alliances.
But first, the setup: Seemingly out of nowhere, Caroline was having an attack dog trained by her best friend, former NYC Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik (currently under indictment for tax fraud, among other charges). Almost as ominous as the way her German shepherd gnashed at his trainer’s arm was the glint in Caroline’s eye when she said: “If anyone attempts to have some kind of altercation with me, bring it on.”
As the housewives gathered for a party and giggled over champagne, oysters and Teresa’s tales of husband Joe’s raging libido, the episode started to feel like one drawn-out, boozy contrivance. Why would Teresa, with all her anti-Danielle vitriol, have invited her to a midday feast in an empty catering hall if producers hadn’t put her up to it? Then, Danielle inexplicably slapped “the book” Cop Without a Badge on the table and aimed it Dina like a revolver. Such a move could only have been calculated. But just like Caroline’s bubbies, the fighting that followed was real.
Danielle, in a surprisingly sympathetic turn, ripped into Dina (“I had three weeks of diarrhea and vomiting because of you,” she said), placing the blame for unearthing the damaging book squarely on her exposed shoulders. But then, in a twist worthy of The Sopranos, Caroline demanded: “Look at me. Because I’m the one who told.” Was this a ruse to take the heat off Dina? This was, after all, the famous moment when Caroline hissed, “Let me tell you a something about my family. We are as thick as thieves and we protect each other til the end.”
And Caroline, with her dog and Bernie on speed dial, withered Danielle with one point of her finger. That was, until Jacqueline burst forth with the revelation that it was in fact Dina who uncovered the book after all! Siding with Danielle and thus betraying her sisters-in-law, Jacqueline grew a backbone before our very eyes.
Of course Teresa found the moment fraught with the most tension to flip out, turn over a table and scream “Whore!” at the top of her lungs. Not to worry: Within seconds she was kissing Joe and saying, “Love you. Mwah.” But while that moment was the one viewers have been waiting for, a smaller, quieter exchange proved the most haunting.
Caroline turned to her brother’s wife Jacqueline, and in a naked stab at manipulation, said, “You know who you’re hurting? You’re hurting my parents.” Thus Caroline emerged from the finale as the unexpected villain, Danielle the sympathetic victim, and Jacqueline, once the pushover, the hero. When, without hesitation, she looked Caroline right in the eye and calmly said, “What’s right is right and what’s true is true,” her husband — and a nation of Housewives fans — had her back. Blood may be thicker than water. But some bonds are iron-clad. – Suzanne Zuckerman
Tell us: Who uncovered the book and showed it off? Who were you rooting for at the dinner party? Did your opinion of Danielle, Caroline, Dina, Jacqueline or Teresa change after the big fight?
Robert Pitts/Landov(2)
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